Australia’s recently-voted number 1 dating and seduction coach James Marshall of the Natural Lifestyles is in Prague this week for this summer’s infamous PUA and seduction bootcamp The Euro Tour. I sat down with him at a cafe and recorded an interview which I think you’ll find really interesting on what you can do to re-build your confidence after a break up.

For those who don’t yet know about James, he will soon be in the States for the big 2010 PUA Summit and will do some workshops sessions across US, including a Weekend Intensive in LA on October 1-3.

You can discover more about him and his lifestyle consultancy here. He also offers Bounce Back from a Break Up readers a special 5% on weekend workshops.

Before I upload the full interview, here are some excerpts:

Bounce Back: A lot of guys are googling ‘what to do after a break up’. What do you think about all this?

James Marshall: Well I think the most important thing to do after a break up is to distance yourself from the break up. I’ve been in this position myself, I know it’s tempting to try and use your ex as your counsellor or to try and get back with her. Obviously you had a lot of emotional investment in the relationship and you don’t have anything to replace it with yet. So that can be a hard thing to do but if you actually want to get past it and move on with your life what you need to do is look after yourself.

That can take many different forms. When women break up they move into a nice place, get themselves flowers, a blow-wave, a nice new set, no, a nasty new set of lingerie and get out and meet new men..whereas men tend to find themselves a horrible new flat, sit in the dark and listen to Nick Cave and drink a bottle of whiskey the whole night. This is not the best way to get past your break up.

the most important thing to do after a break up is to distance yourself from the break up

Bounce Back: I definitely agree with you there. For the guys who are at home on the couch watching the football how can you turn this around?

James Marshall: One of the things which happens while you’re in a relationship is that your social world tends to shrink. Particularly if you’re coming out of a bad break up, your self-esteem is going to be rock bottom, probably, you’re not going to be feeling particularly sexy, you’re not going to be in the habit of being social with new people. It’s like going to the gym when you first start, it’s painful, it’s not easy, but you know you should.

You need to start putting some new habits into effect that are going to take you out and get you more social or confident, more stylist, more sexy, so you’re feeling better about yourself to move on with your life.

Bounce Back: One of the problems that guys have with creating new habits is that they’re still concentrating on their ex. This can be for more than a few weeks, it can be for a few months, or even a year. Do you have any advice on how to get off thinking about your ex?

James Marshall: If you need to get something out, if you need to vent something, write it all down, and DON’T give it to her. Please do not send that letter ‘cos you’ll come back to that letter months later and probably cringe. So stay up all night, with a candle, and write down everything that you wanted to say to her, or the way she hurt you, the feelings you have, and then put that in an envelope in a box. Put it somewhere away from yourself and then don’t contact her. That’s the first step.

I know it’s really difficult and often the girl will be contacting you again with this mixture of nostalgia and knowing that it’s not going to work and…it can be tempting to try go into the relationship over and over again. I know what this is like, I’ve wasted a year with a relationship that should have just been left.

…

James goes on to say more about how you can lift your confidence after a break up and also gives a completely different perspective as a dating and PUA coach with real world experience of improving his own and his clients’ lifestyle.

Enjoy

James Marshall part I

James Marshall part II

The links are through 4shared but as I do more interviews in future I’ll look for a more suitable download page for you.

Please feel free to write your comments below.

David

If your ex girlfriend’s just left you, especially when you didn’t have any say in the decision to split up, the chances are you’re going through a difficult and stressful time.

Yet lots of guys make things worse for themselves after a break up by focussing even more on the relationship. This is a top mistake whether you wish to move forward or get back together with her.

Why? There are a few factors to consider here. Quite often you both need some space and time apart for you to cool down and get yourself feeling better. But by thinking about your ex too much – even when you have zero contact – you are still giving control over the relationship to her. You’re investing more into the relationship than she is, and it means that when you finally have contact again you won’t be ready for her.

If you’ve been making this mistake, you’ll note that thinking about her makes you more nervous and worried, and less in charge of your own destiny. How good is that if she gives you a surprise call or you bump into her? She’ll hear from the tone of your voice or your expressions that you are not yet moving forward.

I’ve seen this happen a number of times, yet while it’s natural to think about your relationship, there comes a point beyond which it is not healthy for you to stay like this.

The paradox

Some authors such as Malcolm Gladwell have written about success and how we get better at things the more we do them. However, thinking about your ex all day doesn’t help your relationship get better. The main difference here between what Gladwell writes and dealing with your ex is that you can only get better at things which are in your control. And just now you have no control over what kind of relationship your ex wants with you.

You do, however, have complete control over how you respond to events which happen in your life. Are you going out and catching up with friends or are you staying at home wondering if she’ll call? Are you trying to focus more on re-building your life or are you spending a lot of your ‘thinking time’ wondering about how you can get back with your ex..?

Guys who focus more time and energy on their ex and on how to win her back are ironically damaging their chances of getting back with her. Of course there needs to be a time of reflection about your previous relationship – to understand what happened and to improve your future relationships – but not to the extent where your self-esteem and progress is being undermined.

Recently I started reading a new book by British writer Geoff Thompson, Fear: the friend of exceptional people. I especially like one thing he recommends that we should tell ourselves more often when we encounter difficulty. Simply, that we say to ourselves “I can handle it.”

As I read, it got me thinking about the whole genre of self-development. There are literally THOUSANDS of books out there which pretty much say the same thing!

To my mind, it all started with Napolean Hill’s classic Think and Grow Rich. Since then the message itself hasn’t changed much – but how it’s delivered has. If you go through dating and pick up materials, for example, a lot of what the top ‘experts’ say has in fact been ‘translated’ from 1930’s American English to today’s lingo.

Usually at a significantly higher price too, I might add. Napolean Hill’s book now sells for about $10 – but a lot of guys out there would rather invest $100-400 or more for their fave present-day PUA to tell them the same thing.

So what makes this blog any different?

Simply that for many of us, self-development seems so easy and such common sense, yet most people who pick up a self-help book either don’t finish it or barely implement its ideas. Others just don’t get it until it’s communicated in a way that connects. Maybe this web-magazine will be the one that gets you saying ‘ah-ah’. Those ah-ah moments are truly amazing. You can read a book and seem to understand it, but sometimes it takes a few more books and personal journeys for you to finally get it.

I’m the same. I read some things and seem to get it, but then one day it truly begins to make sense. Once it makes sense, I take action.

When Geoff Thompson talks about how we should tell ourselves “I can handle it” there are a number of underlying issues here. First,  what do you really tell yourself in the morning as you wake up? Do you see your life in a positive light? Do you talk yourself up or down? We all have different fears but our time is limited – if you walk around at work all day or at home telling yourself you can’t handle it, then how happy will you be in life?

Second, there is the importance of having a positive mindset. Whatever you say to yourself will affect your mindset. So if you’ve been putting off doing something important, why wait any longer?

NOW. Let’s do it now.

I can handle it.

David (at) bouncebackfromabreakup.com

originally published on menslifestyledesign.com May 4, 2010

Is there a place you’ve always dreamed of visiting? Well this is the time to do it! Leave the comfort of your own surroundings back home and step up for this adventure!

Weekend getaways and home town secrets
Taking a break can do you the world of good. But what if you’re broke or have serious responsibilities that prevent you from travelling far? I’m sure you can find a place not far from your city where you can go. If you’re in Prague, then there are mountains just up the road, and rivers and lakes within a few hours’ drive. From Vancouver, there’s Whistler and the wonders of Vancouver Island at your doorstep, and Seattle isn’t far either. What about near you?

Even a trip to another part of town can give you a boost. Every city has a part where visitors go – why not be a tourist in your own town?!

You can get stuck in a rut after a break up if you don’t start to do new things. Just take a step outside away from your usual routine, and see where it leads you.

Travel can do wonders for the soul – write your comments about the trip you’re going on below!

david (at)bouncebackfromabreakup.com

Maybe your break up was a few weeks ago, or even a few months ago. Your friends said  ’go No Contact’ for a while, and you followed this advice until one day she calls and says she wants to meet up with you again. You now feel this could be your only chance to ‘win her back’. Or maybe you’re just not sure about it. It’s worrying you. My question is simply: are you ready for her?

Quite often the answer’s ‘no’.

You really have to be honest with yourself here. Are you still hurting from the break up? Or are you still angry at her? Are you depressed or sad or just plain down about things?

If the answer’s ‘yes’ then you could well have a re-think over this.

Meeting up with your ex, unless it’s about something which you really have to talk about, is not a good idea until you are in much better shape.

Symptoms of someone who isn’t ready include:

• analyzing her texts and reading too much into what she says or writes
• thinking too much about her, and about the relationship
• not having moved forward with your life since break up day
• dreaming of being back with her and it’s becoming your purpose in life
• being stuck or down since the break up
• feeling that everything will be fine if only she would come back to you
• not yet addressing the main reason for the break up

You have to be ok again in your own skin. To be happy again as You. It’s natural to feel a little awkward or nervous about meeting your ex, but the idea is to meet up with each other after you have each moved forward with your lives.

If you would to like make up with her, you may be better off waiting until your wounds are closer to healed than they are fresh. And then she’ll see the improved and more attractive You.

david (at)bouncebackfromabreakup.com

Hi everyone!

As you can see, I am presently changing the look of this blog. It’ll take a little time to do so but in the meantime please feel free to read the articles already on here. Your comments and feedback are welcome!

David

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couple from Crestock Images

A lot of readers just after a break up with their ex girlfriends are finding this blog by googling or binging ‘win back ex’. If you really want to try again with your ex, here’s today’s question:

Did you think you were good enough for her?

Deep down, a lot of guys, either from the word go, or as the relationship progresses, have this sinking feeling that “she’s out of my league” or “I’m not good enough for her.”

“I can’t believe she’s with me!”

Yet one thing pretty much all dating and PUA writers agree on is that a woman wants to be with a man who she can look up to in some way. A man with equal or greater value.

She left you (and this blog is mostly for guys who have been left behind) which in itself means she felt your value was lower. It was already decreasing just before she told you: “it’s over.”

Which brings me back to today’s question. If you felt that you weren’t good enough for her during the relationship, then hold off on that call to her until you are feeling better about yourself. Maybe your confidence fell during the relationship or you began to feel insecure – eventually she would have sensed this and started to believe too that you weren’t ‘good enough.’ If you didn’t believe you were good enough, then why should she?

But if you can ask this question and try to learn more about yourself, then give yourself two points – it’s a big start towards building a better ‘foundations’ for yourself when you start to be more comfortable and accepting of who you are!

Once your life is back in motion, all kinds of doors may open. But you’ve had a break up, and the door is closed for now – so before you give her a call, wait til when the door is open.

This all leads me to another question: if you felt you weren’t good enough, why was this?

Take some time here to answer. Write your response in a diary – it could reveal a lot about how things went between you two.

Was she someone who supported you – or someone who put you down?

And how did you feel when you were with her? What feelings did you get from the relationship?

If you lost some of yourself while you were with her – who you were, your confidence or self-esteem – then what does this say about the relationship?

Just after your break up, sometimes its best to read a little at a time and digest it in small bites. As well you’ll note that some of my posts have similar themes – some guys need to hear and read break up advice many times before they begin to internalise it.

Just to add from my previous post, I was reminded of a guy I knew from America last year who was having problems dealing with his break up, and accepting that it was all over. He refused to give in, and he wanted to ‘fight for her’ and ’show her’ he loved her.

He invested more and more energy into the outcome – ‘winning’ her back – that he completely lost what he was doing with his life.

He came across as desperate, perhaps obsessive, and certainly unattractive to the one girl who he wanted to attract.

This is what I mean when I say get the focus back onto YOU.

A woman is not going to want to be with a man who’s unattractive and down after a break up. She might feel guilty about hurting you, but this guilt is not the basis of a healthy new relationship.

So the only thing you can do is sort your own life out. Sometimes it’s the guys who’ve lost their bigger purpose in life who can’t deal with the break up and instead make her their purpose.

It doesn’t work like this.

If you want her back.. well you’ve just had a break up. You can’t re-build things until you are feeling better about yourself AND in a better positive to ask yourself one question which may not be on your mind today:

“Is she right for me?”

david(at)bouncebackfromabreakup.com

Just after your break up, you might be thinking: “I want her back, I want to win her back.” So you set out to somehow ‘win’ her back. You think of her more, and you are SO sure that she’ll ‘come to her senses’ and want to reconcile with you.

The problem here is that you are investing more and more in the relationship at a time when she – from the very action of breaking up with you and then dis-engaging from you – is investing less and less.

If a man invests more in the relationship and its outcome at a time like this and under these circumstances, I am sure you can guess what happens next: his ’strategy’ to win her back flops.

There are a lot of ebooks out there on how to win your ex girlfriend back but almost all of them overlook this important point, probably in the name of sales.

If you want her back or not, the only surefire way to move forward is to ‘balance the scales’ here:

Invest more in YOU. Once you can do this, and this may take you some time, then you are in a better position to decide if you want to try again or not.

david(at)bouncebackfromabreakup.com

I’ve read quite a bit lately about ‘ Lifestyle Design’, a term perhaps made famous following the success of Tim Ferriss’s book The 4-hour Work Week.

Is it something we regular guys can achieve or is it reserved for the rich, successful and entrepreneurial? 

Last week I noticed there were quite a few bloggers out there with a chip on their shoulder, complaining that they were excluded from this idea of lifestyle design owing to their unique set of circumstances. They felt it was beyond them, that it was just for the privileged.

I don’t want to go into a pedantic definition of what lifestyle design is, I just think a lot of people have missed the point.

Simply, lifestyle design – or whatever other term you want to use – is about creating a better life for yourself so that you are happier and leading the kind of life you truly want to lead.

Maybe your own situation prevents you from doing some of the things Tim Ferriss does, like taking salsa classes in Argentina or learning kickboxing in Thailand. Besides, maybe this is not what you want to do anyhow! And if you’re working loads, and your next holiday is miles away and you have kids or just had a messy divorce, this exotic life which is marketed to you may seem like a pipe dream (or just a sick joke).

But I do believe that wherever you are, and whatever you do, you can find a way to improve your life.

That’s the point. Creating a better lifestyle for yourself.

It doesn’t have to be this idea of getting into internet marketing and becoming a smiley peroxide-white-toothed self-development coach.

It just means taking a little time for yourself each day to build a better life. This is one of the main messages of bouncing back from a break up: you’ve been in the ditch and now’s the time to get moving again on your own terms.  

Which brings us full circle to common advice after your split: getting into a new hobby, travelling, calling old friends, going out, trying new things, meeting new women.

So in a sense, ‘lifestyle design’ is a fancy term for what we’ve always been talking about: ideas on how to move forward with your work, social life and relationships.

As I hinted in a previous post, I am creating a new blog which is a new brother to this one. It’s only just started but I hope there’ll be something there for you in the coming months. Have a peep now here: Men’s Lifestyle Design

david(at) bouncebackfromabreakup.com