This is one of the biggest questions guys ask after a break up. In short, take the time here to work out where you are, what you want in life, and what you want from your relationship with your ex.
Australia’s top dating coach James Marshall once said that being friends with your ex shows the strength of a man. In reality, each relationship is unique and you needn’t follow any black and white rule that you should or shouldn’t be friends with your ex. In my case I have a different relationship with each of my exes. I’ve lost touch with some simply because I’ve lived in 6 countries or moved house or changed number over the years. But as each story played out, there were some really important things I observed, and which I noticed again in my friends’ relationships and while I was moderator of a relationship forum. There are some patterns you really should look out for.
I’ll put these questions to you:
- apart from the time around your break up, was she good to you?
If she walked over you or treated you with disrespect (though note it was because you let her), then you have to ask if she deserves your friendship. Was she supportive of you or did she pull you down?
- are you ready to be friends?
If you are thinking of being her ‘friend’ in order to win her back, it usually doesn’t work. In fact it often messes guys up more than they admit. It takes guys a lot of persuading to truly believe this, but you have been warned! What happens a lot after a break up is that the ‘dumper’, in this case the girl, says she wants to remain friends. This is simply to help her move on from the break up. She’ll get the comfort and reassurance from you, and be able to go straight into the arms of the new guy. It’s a classic break up pattern, happens all the time.
In other words, if you would like to get back together with your ex further down the line, you both should respect your space to heal and move forward. Staying ‘friends’ doesn’t help you (I’ll write more another time about some cases where the guy tried ‘friends’ and not only did they not get back together, but the guys ended up being resentful towards their exes – don’t be like them!).
- how long ago was the break up and how are you feeling about yourself and your life?
The best ex friendships are when both partners have taken a break from each other to heal, move on and grow. So if it is some time since the split and you’re feeling better about yourself, then why not give her a call to see how she is. If she doesn’t seem so ready to chat, then be cool about it – she may need more time herself.
Which brings me to another point – you can’t just ‘decide’ to be friends. The relationship was broken and so the call and initial contact should be low-pressure, keep it cool, and to touch base again. Perhaps go for a drink. Use your common sense in not going too far and putting pressure on either of you. You don’t know yet how your new relationship will develop but give it the air to breathe.
- what was your role in the break up?
If you cheated on her or were a jerk, then you may have something to apologise for before a real friendship or new relationship has a chance. And I stress here, only apologise if you haven’t already and if what you did was truly something SERIOUS.
- how repairable is the relationship?
It’s tough when a relationship breaks down, but it’s possible that your relationship is best left in the past. If there was a lot of drama and hurt, cheating or other unpleasant things, then a friendship could be tough to rekindle. Ask yourself if it’s worth the emotional commitment.
- Do you work together or have children?
Factors like these mean some contact with your ex is unavoidable. If things are bitter just now, keep contact to a minimum. Be pleasant to each other at work, and of course if you have kids you’ll need to be on relatively good terms for your sake, as well as the children’s. You might not be friends just now, but it will make this period of your life better if you can be civil, opening the door for better relations later on.
Conclusion
Ultimately YOU have to decide what you want with your ex. But it’s ok simply not to know all the answers just now. That’s why No Contact can really help give you some perspective. Take things slowly and monitor how you are feeling. If you do wish to reconnect with her, it’s best after you’ve given yourselves some time apart, and when you are not trying to ‘win’ them back.
Prague
david(at)bouncebackfromabreakup.com
