You’ve just had a break up, or you’re not over the worst of it, and you may well have these urges to contact your ex girlfriend. What’s happening?
This phenomenon happens to a lot of guys, and it’ll be one thing I write about regularly on here, as it is a major hurdle to overcome before you can move on in a healthy way from your split. And if you want to have a new relationship with her later on, the same principle applies: you need to deal with these urges and shift the focus from her to you.
She split up with you because she wants space. So the first thing is to give it to her. Respect her wishes. Some guys can’t handle this, and end up going waaay overboard in how they react. Don’t be like this!
In most cases after a break up, you should be in ‘No Contact’. No ‘accidental meetings’, no calling her folks, no checking her online profiles, no texting her and definitely no calling. It sounds like basic common sense, which is something my friends tell me when they read this blog – but common sense is something which is lacking after a break up!
Why shouldn’t you contact her? The main reasons are:
- for her to even think about making up with you, or even to have a friendship later on, you both need to have space apart to grow and heal.
- she needs to miss you, but she can’t miss you if you are sending a crazy drunken text at 2am on a Saturday morning or sending her cards or texts.
- your time in NC away from her helps you both calm down. Right now you’re the last person she wants to hear from. So calling her will only prolong the break up, and add to more hurt for you, and push her away even further.
- quite often the major damage in the relationship is caused after the split, and not before. I’ll give an example: I met a girl recently who said her ex called her up and called her a b*** because she’s now with a new guy. So now there’s even more distrust and anger between them, and she is even less likely to want to repair things. Staying in NC ensures that damaging actions or words like this are avoided.
- your last relationship is now history. Some time to yourself is essential for you to work out what you want in life, and whether you want her to be in it or not.
- delete her number and other contact details, even if you remember them.
- when you’re feeling at your weakest, put the phone down, and go outside for a walk or visit a friend.
- use this energy to think more about your own life and future plans.
The big question you’re asking is how to control those urges to call her. The first thing is to truly understand the importance of not calling her, as I wrote above. Some guys don’t get it, and end up becoming depressed or obsessive, thinking that the more they say they love her, the more likely she will come back to them (btw if you fall within this category you may need to consider speaking with a professional therapist).
Small things you can do to ensure you don’t contact her at a moment of weakness:
Shifting the focus to you
This is the most important part of resisting those urges to call her, and of moving forward. Try to spend more time on yourself, working out what you want to do with your life. That’s why experts recommend taking up new hobbies, learning new things, and having new and different experiences.
Thinking of not contact your ex is still getting you to think of the idea of contacting your ex. For true progress to happen, you need to think more about yourself to help build your confidence and self-esteem, and get you to know yourself better.
If you ask women what they find most attractive in a man, being comfortable with who you are is usually at or near the top of the list.
This can be a wonderful time for you. You’ll resist those urges in a second if you can concentrate more on building a better life and identity for you, and use this time to grow and move forward to something better, with or without her.
David
david(at)bouncebackfromabreakup.com
