The James Marshall interview

by David Sweetnam on August 20, 2010

Australia’s recently-voted number 1 dating and seduction coach James Marshall of the Natural Lifestyles is in Prague this week for this summer’s infamous PUA and seduction bootcamp The Euro Tour. I sat down with him at a cafe and recorded an interview which I think you’ll find really interesting on what you can do to re-build your confidence after a break up.

For those who don’t yet know about James, he will soon be in the States for the big 2010 PUA Summit and will do some workshops sessions across US, including a Weekend Intensive in LA on October 1-3.

You can discover more about him and his lifestyle consultancy here. He also offers Bounce Back from a Break Up readers a special 5% on weekend workshops.

Before I upload the full interview, here are some excerpts:

Bounce Back: A lot of guys are googling ‘what to do after a break up’. What do you think about all this?

James Marshall: Well I think the most important thing to do after a break up is to distance yourself from the break up. I’ve been in this position myself, I know it’s tempting to try and use your ex as your counsellor or to try and get back with her. Obviously you had a lot of emotional investment in the relationship and you don’t have anything to replace it with yet. So that can be a hard thing to do but if you actually want to get past it and move on with your life what you need to do is look after yourself.

That can take many different forms. When women break up they move into a nice place, get themselves flowers, a blow-wave, a nice new set, no, a nasty new set of lingerie and get out and meet new men..whereas men tend to find themselves a horrible new flat, sit in the dark and listen to Nick Cave and drink a bottle of whiskey the whole night. This is not the best way to get past your break up.

the most important thing to do after a break up is to distance yourself from the break up

Bounce Back: I definitely agree with you there. For the guys who are at home on the couch watching the football how can you turn this around?

James Marshall: One of the things which happens while you’re in a relationship is that your social world tends to shrink. Particularly if you’re coming out of a bad break up, your self-esteem is going to be rock bottom, probably, you’re not going to be feeling particularly sexy, you’re not going to be in the habit of being social with new people. It’s like going to the gym when you first start, it’s painful, it’s not easy, but you know you should.

You need to start putting some new habits into effect that are going to take you out and get you more social or confident, more stylist, more sexy, so you’re feeling better about yourself to move on with your life.

Bounce Back: One of the problems that guys have with creating new habits is that they’re still concentrating on their ex. This can be for more than a few weeks, it can be for a few months, or even a year. Do you have any advice on how to get off thinking about your ex?

James Marshall: If you need to get something out, if you need to vent something, write it all down, and DON’T give it to her. Please do not send that letter ‘cos you’ll come back to that letter months later and probably cringe. So stay up all night, with a candle, and write down everything that you wanted to say to her, or the way she hurt you, the feelings you have, and then put that in an envelope in a box. Put it somewhere away from yourself and then don’t contact her. That’s the first step.

I know it’s really difficult and often the girl will be contacting you again with this mixture of nostalgia and knowing that it’s not going to work and…it can be tempting to try go into the relationship over and over again. I know what this is like, I’ve wasted a year with a relationship that should have just been left.

James goes on to say more about how you can lift your confidence after a break up and also gives a completely different perspective as a dating and PUA coach with real world experience of improving his own and his clients’ lifestyle.

Enjoy

James Marshall part I

James Marshall part II

The links are through 4shared but as I do more interviews in future I’ll look for a more suitable download page for you.

Please feel free to write your comments below.

David

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Are you making this break up mistake?

by David Sweetnam on August 9, 2010

If your ex girlfriend’s just left you, especially when you didn’t have any say in the decision to split up, the chances are you’re going through a difficult and stressful time.

Yet lots of guys make things worse for themselves after a break up by focussing even more on the relationship. This is a top mistake whether you wish to move forward or get back together with her.

Why? There are a few factors to consider here. Quite often you both need some space and time apart for you to cool down and get yourself feeling better. But by thinking about your ex too much – even when you have zero contact – you are still giving control over the relationship to her. You’re investing more into the relationship than she is, and it means that when you finally have contact again you won’t be ready for her.

If you’ve been making this mistake, you’ll note that thinking about her makes you more nervous and worried, and less in charge of your own destiny. How good is that if she gives you a surprise call or you bump into her? She’ll hear from the tone of your voice or your expressions that you are not yet moving forward.

I’ve seen this happen a number of times, yet while it’s natural to think about your relationship, there comes a point beyond which it is not healthy for you to stay like this.

The paradox

Some authors such as Malcolm Gladwell have written about success and how we get better at things the more we do them. However, thinking about your ex all day doesn’t help your relationship get better. The main difference here between what Gladwell writes and dealing with your ex is that you can only get better at things which are in your control. And just now you have no control over what kind of relationship your ex wants with you.

You do, however, have complete control over how you respond to events which happen in your life. Are you going out and catching up with friends or are you staying at home wondering if she’ll call? Are you trying to focus more on re-building your life or are you spending a lot of your ‘thinking time’ wondering about how you can get back with your ex..?

Guys who focus more time and energy on their ex and on how to win her back are ironically damaging their chances of getting back with her. Of course there needs to be a time of reflection about your previous relationship – to understand what happened and to improve your future relationships – but not to the extent where your self-esteem and progress is being undermined.

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“I can handle it”

July 20, 2010

Recently I started reading a new book by British writer Geoff Thompson, Fear: the friend of exceptional people. I especially like one thing he recommends that we should tell ourselves more often when we encounter difficulty…

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One big tip to move forward

July 15, 2010

Just after a break up, sometimes the last thing guys want to be told is “move on ‘bro!” Perhaps they feel they’re not ready, or maybe they still want to make up with their ex. The irony of all this is that you’ll have more chances of improving your relationship after you’ve moved on. But as I often say: “if you can’t move on, move forward.”

With this in mind, here is one thing to PROPEL you forward.

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Are you ready to meet her..really?

June 23, 2010

Before you decide to meet your ex girlfriend after your break up, ask yourself if you are really ready for this. Here are some tips to help you make that decision.

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Site Upgrade

June 20, 2010

Hi everyone!
As you can see, I am presently changing the look of this blog. It’ll take a little time to do so but in the meantime please feel free to read the articles already on here. Your comments and feedback are welcome!
David

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One question to ask yourself

June 7, 2010

So do you want to ‘win back’ your ex girlfriend? If you really want to try again with your ex, here’s one question you should ask yourself before you pick up the phone.

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The ‘Ex-back’ paradox (2)

May 25, 2010

Sometimes it’s the guys who’ve lost their bigger purpose in life who can’t deal with their break up and instead make their ex their purpose in life. This really doesn’t work. You can’t re-build things until you are feeling better about yourself AND in a better positive to ask yourself one question which may not be on your mind today: “Is she right for me?”

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The ‘Ex-back’ Paradox

May 23, 2010

After your break up, you need to invest more in YOU. Once you can do this, and this may take you some time, then you are in a better position to decide if you want to try again or not with your ex girlfriend.

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Lifestyle Design for Men

May 12, 2010

Lifestyle design – or whatever other term you want to use – is about creating a better life for yourself so that you are happier and leading the kind of life you truly want to lead. And this is something all of us can look at.

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Should I be friends with my ex girlfriend?

May 8, 2010

Should you be friends with your ex girlfriend after your break up? There are a number of key questions you can ask yourself to find the answer that best suits your situation!

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One thing to break after your break up

May 3, 2010

When a break up happens, and you feel you can’t live without that person, it’s saying a lot about how you feel towards yourself. Use these weak moments in your life to get to know yourself better, and to try to break the one thing that should be broken:

this pattern of unhealthy relationships.

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“Why isn’t my ex calling me?!”

April 3, 2010

Try not to speculate about your ex-girlfriend and what she is getting up to. Let her live her life, as you must move forward and live yours. Later down the track you can contact each other – when you are better equipped to do so.

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Is the Euro Tour the world’s best PUA bootcamp..?

March 22, 2010

Australian dating coach James Marshall and founder of The Natural Lifestyles has just announced that their unrivalled Euro Tour is hitting Central Europe again this summer. It’s a 10-day voyage of discovery which you won’t want to miss out on!

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PUA bootcamps: are they worth it?

March 21, 2010

A PUA weekend workshop or bootcamp IS worth it, but only when you take the time to find one which is right for you. Here are some tips on how you can choose one which better suits your learning style and needs.

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